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Falling in love is one thing; staying in love is another. It’s normal for relationships go through tough phases and challenges, but not all will survive them.
And most times, this has nothing to do with the depth of the shared emotions and feelings.
Upon examination, other factors may be responsible, like:
Communication gaps;
Loss of trust;
Financial incompatibility; and
Cheating.
While these can be hugely detrimental to the success of a long-term relationship or marriage, relationship and dating coach, Ryan Holley, known also as simply Coach Ryan, begs to differ.Relationships that have marked several calendar anniversaries, Coach Ryan points out, may face challenges like in-law invasion and disagreements, cheating, and even money disputes without necessarily falling apart.
These are real setbacks that threaten the longevity of any union, no doubt, but they do not, according to Coach Ryan, measure up to a major drawback that can lead to actual splits, heartbreaks, and irreparable fallouts.
What kills long-term relationships
This writer recalls a time when “irreconciliable differences” accompanied every announcement of divorce or separation by once-beloved couples.
Knowing that the community of friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, and the general public are typically oblivious to what really goes down behind the scenes in marriages and homes, when this line became the go-to for ex-couples, it hinted at a fundamental problem that exists: Absence of resolution and months (maybe even years) of dissatisfaction with each other’s unique approach to life or a particular aspect of it.
“The number one killer of long term relationships is not cheating, it’s not money either, and it’s also not in-laws,” Coach Ryan asserts. “It’s resentment and contempt.”
How does resentment build up? Slowly, when misunderstandings are left hanging and unaddressed. It graduates into contempt for each other and most couples do not survive this.
“It’s the result of unmet needs and unresolved conflict. The Gottman Institute did a long-running study on this,” stresses Coach Ryan. “When couples begin to resent each other and hold contempt, it’s almost always game over.”
How to avoid destroying your long-term relationship
There are a number of ways to approach this, but it should always be done with the goal of saving your home.
1. Address everything
Nothing should be swept under the carpet, even if it is about the carpet.
Talk it out — three, four, or five times in a day if you have to. But don’t leave anything hanging.
Open communication will strengthen your bond and improve your connection over time.
2. Stay optimistic
Your partner will annoy you. They may not be your favourite person for days or even weeks, but refusing to give up completely is the difference.
“I’ve had to stay optimistic and hopeful to survive some unpredictable moments in my three-year relationship,” says Andrea, entrepreneur and writer. “The key is to keep holding on: believing that everything good will come eventually, and to look on the bright side, always.”
3. Resolve conflicts
You cannot evade this. It’s part and parcel of what you signed up for the moment you said ‘I do’ or agreed to move in with your partner.
“Conflict resolution is a MUST for relationships to survive and thrive,” Coach Ryan highlights.
Find a technique that works for both of you and use it as much as you can to enhance the overall quality of your relationship.
On a final note
Beautiful long-term relationships exist — and it’s only because the individuals have put in the work, day after day, to make it so.
They don’t bury things under the rug or leave their conflicts unresolved. They confront the mess, deal with it, and keep forging ahead.
The strength is in the intention and the effort. Always the effort.
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